just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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