I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
