and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
