I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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