We won't sleep together?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
