And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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