just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
it's like heaven, but drunker
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
