Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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