can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
