i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
