I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
