i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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