how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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