i already hear my dad disowning me
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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