Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
