so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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