My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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