I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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