Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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