im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
