Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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