areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
