I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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