We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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