I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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