Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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