I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
