Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
