I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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