The maid of honor just puked.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
