Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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