Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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