don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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