He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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