the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
