so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
