I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
