Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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