I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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