I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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