don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
