last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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