Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize