omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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