Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Randomize
