just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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