omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
