You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
