Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
