The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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