My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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