failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You've changed since you got that strap on
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
