babies were throwing up all over the place
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
