I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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