hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
