I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
