I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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