So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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