My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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