I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
