I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
