I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
